


"Gift"

by miera



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen, Rape, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-19
Updated: 2005-11-19
Packaged: 2017-10-23 13:02:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/250572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miera/pseuds/miera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Six hours changes things more than anyone thought possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Gift"

**Author's Note:**

> Discussion of rape and PTSD as well as pregnancy resulting from rape. Please read with caution.

_"I haven't told anyone else."_

 _"Except Carson?"_

 _"Except him."_

 _"Why did you tell Carson?"_

 _"He's my doctor. Plus he would've found out anyway."_

 _"If you could have avoided telling him, would you?"_

 _"I don't know. It's kind of a relief that he knows too."_

 _"But you don't want to tell anyone else."_

 _"No."_

 _"Why not?"_

 _"It will change everything. How they look at me."_

 _"Does Carson look at you differently?"_

 _"No, but Carson's different."_

 _"How so?"_

 _"Carson sees everyone as his patient. It's nothing new."_

 _"So you're not worried about losing face with him."_

 _"You think I should tell the others."_

 _"There's no right or wrong way to do this, Elizabeth, but you'll need the support of your friends."_

 _"That's the thing. My friends are my responsibility, and they can't see me as weak."_

***

Three days ago Elizabeth had been summoned to the infirmary abruptly, and then disappeared for two days while Carson ordered her not to be disturbed short of a Wraith ship appearing in orbit. Elizabeth had been spending more time with Carson recently, and clearly the doctor knew what was up, but when John tried to wheedle some answers out of him, Carson had snapped at John viciously and buried himself in his lab. It wasn't like Carson to be so hostile towards anyone.

John was worried.

The rumor mill was in overdrive. Elizabeth's trip to the infirmary had gotten all kinds of speculation started, and then Carson's noticeable mood swing had added fuel to the fire. Then this morning Elizabeth had asked for all the departments to move up the usual quarterly status reports by three weeks.

Like she was trying to tie up loose ends.

When he'd seen the series of memos coming from Elizabeth that afternoon, John felt cold all over. He didn't listen to rumor-mongering much, other than to keep tabs on who might be sleeping with whom so he didn't accidentally step into a situation. He'd tried to ignore the suggestions over the past three days that something was wrong with Elizabeth. She would have told him. They weren't the closest of friends but if it was something serious, he believed she would've confided in him. Leaned on him, at least a little.

Now he wasn't so sure.

***

 _"Something weird happened this afternoon."_

 _"What?"_

 _"John touched me. He put his hand on my back as we were going through the control room."_

 _"...and?"_

 _"That's just it. There was nothing."_

 _"You felt numb?"_

 _"No. I mean, it was a nice gesture. But shouldn't I be, I don't know, jumpy?"_

 _"How do you mean?"_

 _"I'm not sure. I guess in movies they always look jumpy and scared."_

 _"You think you should be afraid?"_

 _"It seems logical."_

 _"Are you afraid?"_

 _"Not of John, no."_

 _"What about the others?"_

 _"I trust everyone here with my life."_

 _"Didn't Colonel Sheppard attack you when he was being transformed into the alien bug?"_

 _"He tried to strangle me. Well, sort of."_

 _"Sort of?"_

 _"He shoved me into a wall by the throat. But then he let me go."_

 _"Were you afraid of him then?"_

 _"That wasn't John. It was the thing he was being turned into."_

 _"So you're not afraid of the people you know."_

 _"Is that it? Because it was a stranger, I'm not afraid here because I know these people?"_

 _"That may be playing a part. You may separate the experience on Adoros from Atlantis by compartmentalizing."_

 _"Isn't that bad? I'm walling off my feelings too much or something?"_

 _"Elizabeth, as I've told you repeatedly, there is no correct way to go about this. Some people respond by being unnerved by physical contact. Some people don't. Every person is different, and we can never predict our reactions to trauma."_

 _"I just wish I knew what was going to happen."_

 _"I'm sorry, you'll have to be more specific than that."_

 _"Am I going to explode some day? Will not talking about this, and not being scared, will it all back up on me at some point and I'll just lose it?"_

 _"I can't promise you that you won't."_

 _"Thanks, that's a big help."_

 _"All I can tell you is you're seeking help and you are trying to process what happened. I can't tell you that you'll be fine. I can't tell you when the worst will be over, either. I do know that you're not repressing your reactions, as far as I can tell. Well, not any more than usual."_

 _"But you still don't think it's healthy for me to keep this quiet."_

 _"I'm concerned about you needing support. As long as you reach out to someone when you need to, there's no definition of what's healthy for you or what isn't."_

***

Elizabeth was out on the balcony alone. No one interrupted her out there but him, unless she was needed for a meeting.

She didn't turn to look at him as he approached and John couldn't help but examine her. She looked tired, despite having two days off supposedly to rest. Her face was paler than usual. His eyes automatically went from her left cheek to her wrists. The bruises from her capture on Adoros two months ago had faded. She'd looked worn, like this, ever since. Even though she was only held prisoner for six hours, he was pretty sure it was the first time she'd ever been beaten during an interrogation like that, even if in the grand scheme of things it had ended up being a fairly minor set of injuries. A black eye, bruising on her wrists and ankles from being tied up, and a dislocated shoulder, but that was all.

The men who had taken her hadn't counted on having a former Runner tracking them. Before the Adoroan sun had risen the next morning, Elizabeth was safe and the five men who had abducted her were all dead.

She'd been withdrawn since then, politely and distantly refusing any offers of sympathy or support, but he had kept trying to draw her out, get her to talk about it. He'd be damned if he just let her struggle through this alone, no matter what kind of brave leader face she tried to put on things.

Kate Heightmeyer finally asked him point blank if he was sure he wasn't trying so hard to help Elizabeth to alleviate his own guilt over her being kidnapped in the first place. John started to become better at discreet hovering after that.

Elizabeth was seeing Kate. John knew, but only because he'd spotted the appointment in Elizabeth's calendar. He hoped it was helping, but as he walked up to her on the balcony, he realized he had no real idea how she was doing. The comfortable companionship they had built over the past few years had evaporated in the past couple of months.

He really hated it.

Elizabeth turned away from the sunset and stared at him expectantly. He took a deep breath.

"Look, I'm not trying to invade your privacy, but I need you to tell me what's going on." His voice was more pleading than he wanted it to be. "Beckett pulls you to the infirmary, then you're resting for two days, and now the reports..." He swallowed as she looked down at her hands, feeling his stomach clench. "Please, Elizabeth."

He saw her sigh, saw the way her shoulders settled. But she reached up and touched her radio. "Rodney? Could you join me on the balcony outside the control room? And bring Carson with you."

At his frown, she shrugged a little. "It'll be easier to tell you both at once."

She turned back to the view and he pushed down his impatience and waited with her in silence. Fear twisted in his gut. He'd been hoping the whole thing was a misunderstanding, but her reaction suggested something really was wrong. Something big.

Rodney looked apprehensive when he arrived. Carson walked over and stood next to Elizabeth, across from the other two. John realized Carson had placed himself to protect Elizabeth if necessary. Protect her from who?

Elizabeth drew herself up straighter. "There's no easy way to tell you this. Only Carson and Kate know and I want to keep it that way for now." She took a deep breath.

"I'm pregnant."

***

 _"I could get rid of it. Only you and I and Carson would ever know."_

 _"Is that what you want?"_

 _"I don't know. I don't know if I could do that. But I don't know how I could bring myself to leave here."_

 _"You don't think they'd let you stay."_

 _"I'm not sure I would let me stay. I doubt I could do my job..."_

 _"What?"_

 _"How could I still lead the city when every time people see my child they're reminded of what happened?"_

***

The silence felt long. Rodney, in a sure sign that he was completely stunned, whispered instead of demanded, "You're what?"

"Pregnant," she repeated. Elizabeth's eyes darted to Rodney, him and then back to the view before them. "Just over two months."

Another silence fell and within it, John could feel a staggering rage and rising nausea so strong he could taste bile in his throat. His memory flashed up an image of Elizabeth, struggling to stand after they released her from the Adoroans. She couldn't walk well and Rodney had been there, supporting her as they left. John hadn't stopped to think about why she would have trouble walking at the time, assuming the ropes around her feet had cut off circulation or something.

He heard Rodney mutter "Oh my God" as the pieces fell together for him.

Elizabeth wouldn't look at either of them. Carson, however, was glaring at John like he was going knock him off the balcony at the slightest provocation. The doctor's protective behavior around Elizabeth the past few weeks suddenly made a lot more sense.

Ignoring the turmoil between the three men, Elizabeth folded her arms across her chest. "I'm stepping down as the leader of the expedition and going back to Earth."

Her head ducked and her voice was strained and John winced. He didn't want her to go. He didn't want her to be pregnant. He didn't want any of this to be happening and he couldn't think of what to do about it. But mostly he didn't want Elizabeth to leave. And he was pretty sure she didn't want to go.

"Why?" Rodney demanded suddenly.

Elizabeth looked at him, clearly confused. "I can hardly stay here."

"Why not?"

Elizabeth waved her arms helplessly. "Rodney, I'm keeping the baby. I can't run the city and be a mother at the same time."

"Why not?" Carson made a move to intervene but Rodney brushed him aside. "Your family is here, Elizabeth. And what better place to raise a child than Atlantis? The whole city is like a giant playground."

"A playground without safety railings and God only knows what dangers lurking in it," Carson interjected. "Not to mention the Wraith! It's not safe here."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Please. Earth could've been wiped out by the Goa'uld at any time for the past, what, decade? No place is entirely safe."

"Earth has hospitals, and schools, and other people to help Elizabeth raise her child," Carson said but John got the feeling his heart wasn't in the argument. He was supporting what Elizabeth had decided but nothing more than that.

Elizabeth was watching the argument in shock. Her face was still unnaturally pale.

"There's nothing there we can't have here," Rodney insisted.

John took a step closer to Elizabeth, who was staring at Rodney in surprise. "Elizabeth, do you want to leave?"

She looked at him and for the first time since their arrival in Atlantis, he could see tears in her eyes. She shook her head and whispered, "No."

"Then don't."

She kept shaking her head. "It's not going to be up to me. The Pentagon and the international committee will want to replace me."

He shrugged. "Let 'em try. They'd have to deal with half of the mission resigning in protest, starting with me."

"No, John. I don't want that. At the least, I need to know the city will be in good hands without me."

He reached out to put a hand on her shoulder. He didn't think until after it landed that maybe he shouldn't be touching her right now, but it was too late to take it back. His stomach doubled over again and he forced his voice to stay steady. "It will be in good hands. Your hands. All I'm saying is we'll fight for you." He glanced at Rodney, who had his arms folded and his most imperious look on his face, and Carson, who looked happier than he had in a week. "All of us. If that's what you want."

***

 _"Elizabeth? Come on, take a deep breath. OK. Now can you tell me what happened?"_

 _"They want me to stay. Rodney and John."_

 _"You told them about the baby."_

 _"Rodney started talking about how the city is a playground. And John said he would resign if they tried to force me out."_

 _"That sounds good. They still want you to lead the city. They want your baby born here."_

 _"Mm. So why am I sitting on the floor of my quarters and crying?"_

 _"Am I here as your doctor or your friend?"_

 _"I think I need the friend right now."_

 _"Pregnant lady hormones?"_

 

***

Six hours, his mind kept screaming at him. Elizabeth had only been missing for six hours.

He wanted to know more and he didn't think he could take knowing any more than he already did. At some point during that night, the night he failed to keep an adequate watch over her, Elizabeth had been raped.

Six hours was more than enough time for that. And no contraceptive was perfect. Elizabeth was three months pregnant.

He let her get taken and this was what happened. It was his fault.

He wished they had the power to revive the dead Adoroans, so he could find the one responsible and kill him as slowly as he deserved. He prayed desperately that it had been only one of the five, not all of them. That was one of the things he didn't know if he could handle knowing.

Ronon hit him and John fell hard, banging his head on the floor, adding to the aches throughout the rest of him. He couldn't make his body get up, even though he wanted to keep going.

Ronon grabbed a towel and wiped his face off, looking down at John for a minute. "You can't undo it, Sheppard."

He sighed, closing his eyes and sinking against the mat. "I know."

"Just protect her and the child now." Ronon held out a hand and helped John to his feet.

It sounded a lot easier than it felt.

***

 _"How have you been?"_

 _"The morning sickness seems to be gone, thankfully."_

 _"And?"_

 _"Am I still being paranoid that every time I catch people whispering it's about me?"_

 _"Are you?"_

 _"Not this week, not with Lorne's team getting captured and then ransoming them back, no."_

 _"But you're still concerned how people are reacting."_

 _"I know it's going to take time, but I'm worried too many of them will never be able to look me in the eye again. I've never been so grateful for Rodney's complete lack of social skills in my life."_

 _"He doesn't treat you differently?"_

 _"He's urging me to eat all the time and prop my feet up on my desk because I'm pregnant, not because I was raped, so it's a relief."_

 _"What?"_

 _"Hmm?"_

 _"You just had a look on your face."_

 _"That's the first time I've said it out loud. Should that mean something?"_

 _"Remind me to tell my friend Elizabeth how I have this annoying patient who keeps worrying she's not doing post-traumatic stress by-the-book."_

***

He stepped down from leading an off-world team for the duration, even though Carson warned him it would be a few months after the baby was born before Elizabeth would be physically able to resume all her workload again. No one questioned him about why. Teyla became the team leader in his place, which would have looked funny to anyone who saw Rodney and Ronon standing behind her. Well, funny if you didn't know Teyla at all.

John hated being stuck in meetings all day, hated not getting out of the city regularly. But the worst was being left behind while his team went off-world without him. The first mission when they didn't return on schedule, he spent four hours pacing the control room trying not to yell unnecessarily at everyone until they were back safe. After it was over, he snuck a carton of ice cream from the kitchen and brought it to Elizabeth as an apology for all the grief he'd caused her in the past. Fortunately she'd gotten over the morning sickness by then.

Rodney's bald-faced threat to quit the mission if Elizabeth was removed, backed up by similar threats from nearly three-quarters of the staff, had been pretty effective. John's private, pre-emptive meeting with Caldwell, which had been completely polite and yet managed to include the words "shove the orders up their asses," hadn't hurt either. No one tried to recall Elizabeth to Earth. They tried a lot of other things, but the bigwigs back home stopped short of a direct order. She stayed, and they all tried to adapt.

Elizabeth was still seeing Kate in a professional capacity, and had picked her friend as her birth coach. Elizabeth told them at dinner one night it was out of defense. She couldn't pick from the small flock of men who were now hovering over her night and day without causing a riot. John counted Radek, Lorne, and Carson all looking over her shoulder just then. Ronon could now be found lurking in the Control Room a lot more than he used to. Every time off-world guests arrived in Atlantis, the enormous warrior shadowed Elizabeth like a guard dog. She didn't actually protest or send Ronon away, and honestly, it made everyone else feel better. Well, everyone meaning John.

Teyla had been bringing a stream of presents back from the Athosians. John didn't know what their cultural taboos regarding rape were, but if the gifts were any indication, none of them cared how the baby had been conceived.

He understood why Elizabeth couldn't get rid of her own child, but as her stomach began to expand, there were still moments when he felt overwhelmed by guilt. It was as though her body was a living, breathing reminder of how badly he'd failed. Didn't keep her safe, didn't keep her from getting hurt, and she was still paying the price for him. He couldn't take it back, couldn't undo the pain she'd suffered because of him. And things would never be the same for either of them again, ever. That was her choice, but sometimes he couldn't comprehend how Elizabeth would want to carry those memories for any reason.

He tried to focus on the fact that it was Elizabeth's baby, and that keeping them both safe was something he wouldn't let himself fail at. Not again. As the weeks went by, it got easier. They started splitting her duties evenly, John pushing gradually to take everything over for her as Carson's predicted due date grew closer. He joined in the teasing about baby names, and conspired with Radek to accumulate a store of chocolate to satisfy her food cravings.

One afternoon, when Elizabeth looked like she was about to suffocate under the tender loving care of her entire command team, he took her up in a jumper to see the sun set over the mainland from the air. She fell asleep on the way there and the way back, but she smiled and touched his arm when he got her back to her quarters.

The betting pool on the baby's birth date, time and weight was huge, almost every single member of the expedition had gotten involved, and they still had three months to go.

***

 _"I got official permission to have the baby."_

 _"The latest mail from home?"_

 _"Yes. Stargate Command has updated my status to being a single parent, which is as close as they're going to come to giving their blessing."_

 _"And if they hadn't?"_

 _"I wouldn't have left without being forced at this point. Caldwell would've had to drag me out of here and even if Stephen would've done it, which I'm not sure he would, I don't know that he would've survived the attempt after Ronon and John got through with him."_

 _"It's interesting. A few months ago you were ready to step down and go home without even being asked."_

 _"I can't abandon them now."_

 _"The team?"_

 _"Do you know how many of them signed the petition to keep me? They put their jobs on the line. There are hundreds of people back on Earth dying for the chance to come here. We all could be replaced. But they risked that to protect me. I couldn't walk away from them after that. Unless I had no other choice."_

 _"Such as?"_

 _"If something was wrong with the baby."_

 _"Have you started picking out names?"_

 _"A couple. I'm not saying anything, though. The betting pool is funnier without them knowing."_

***

The baby shower, held the night Elizabeth officially went on what passed for maternity leave in the Pegasus galaxy, was supposed to be low-key. Real chocolate cake with real frosting, a few gifts and some streamers left over from their holiday party.

It took six Marines to carry all the gifts that had been made or smuggled to Atlantis back to Elizabeth's new quarters, including the rocking horse Stephen Caldwell had brought personally. Radek and Carson had fixed the new living space up with Teyla and Kate's help, putting the cradle Halling had made in the new nursery. John hung the mobile of toy planes he'd ordered from Earth over it while Elizabeth watched.

He stayed with her, holding her carefully because of her protruding belly, letting Elizabeth cry against his chest until she fell asleep in his arms. She claimed through the sobs that it was hormones. He'd seen her get emotional enough over the past eight months to believe that, but he wondered silently if Elizabeth had allowed anyone to hold her since Adoros.

Or since they came to Atlantis.

He dozed off without meaning to. When he woke up, it was nearly morning, and she was still holding on to him. He lay there for a bit, mind alert but his body still sleepy. Then he felt something weird.

The baby was kicking. He could feel it where Elizabeth's stomach was resting against his side. He reached down and gently rested his hand against her body. He felt another movement and then stillness.

He extricated himself without waking Elizabeth, pulled the blankets up, and then kissed her forehead before he left.

 

***  
 _  
"Elizabeth? Are you okay?"_

 _"Hey. I don't know if I need Doctor Kate or my friend right now."_

 _"Well, why don't you tell me what happened first."_

 _"I sort of slept with John. I mean we fell asleep together."_

 _"...Okay."_

 _"He walked me back after the shower to help me carry things and get everything put away. And I was looking at all the presents people had gotten me and I felt... ashamed. I can't believe I ever thought these people would judge me. I thought they would look at my baby and hate her because of what happened, and they all went out of their way to show how wrong I was."_

 _"They're good people."_

 _"Yes."_

 _"So how did...?"_

 _"I fell apart and started crying. Which is not, you know, unusual with the hormones. He helped me lie down on the bed and I must have fallen asleep because I woke up and he was still there."_

 _"In your quarters?" "...Elizabeth?"_

 _"In bed with me. Fully clothed, but he was holding me."_

 _"What happened then?"_

 _"I went back to sleep. When I woke up this morning he was gone."_

 _"How do you feel about that?"_

 _"I don't know. It was... nice. It's been so long. I forgot what it's like to have someone with you like that."_

 _"You and John have been close for a long time-"_

 _"Yes, but not like that."_

 _"And now?"_

 _"Still not. He was being kind, that's all."_

 _"So why did you want me to come talk to you then?"_

 _"Ever since Adoros, I've been thinking about the baby. I haven't really thought about having a relationship with a man again. It's not really feasible here to begin with, and with a baby to raise, it's not really likely."_

 _"But you might want to, someday?"_

 _"I just was wondering, does this mean I'm okay now? That I can at least think about it?"_

 _"As your doctor, I'd say it's a positive sign and remind you that there is no magic healing from this kind of experience. You learn to cope with it and move on with your life."_

 _"And not as my doctor?"_

 _"I think you're the strongest person I've ever met."_

***

He missed the birth. So did everyone, in fact, except Elizabeth, Carson, Kate and a nurse. The baby was born while he was in a puddle jumper, fighting alongside all the other pilots and the Dadaelus against a Wraith cruiser that had appeared in the solar system. They'd spent the previous three months on edge, fearing some disaster striking and making it necessary to evacuate Elizabeth to the alpha site, so of course the disaster arrived after her water broke, when it was too late to do anything but hope.

Murphy was quite the sadistic bastard. Not that any of them had needed more proof of that fact.

John returned safely to Atlantis, as did all his other pilots, miraculously enough. He went to the control room, dealt with the multitude of fires – literal and otherwise – that needed putting out, organized repair teams, and four hours later managed to go to his quarters and shower.

When he finally slipped into the infirmary, it was relatively quiet. The injuries from the attack were minor but many. Carson was there, tidying up from what had been a very busy day. He glanced at John with a wry smile. "About time you turned up." He nodded towards a curtained off area far back in the corner.

Elizabeth was sleeping, looking utterly exhausted and almost as pale as the sheets behind her. There was a plate of fruit and several cards were piled on the table next to the bed. It looked like most of Atlantis had already found time to stop by and greet their new teammate.

The baby was moving restlessly in her crib, eyes closed and hands balled into fists within the blankets. She was bright pink and her head was oddly squashed. He had no idea if that was how a newborn was supposed to look. He'd been picturing a miniature version of Elizabeth. The hair at least he'd gotten right.

With her eyes shut and her face slightly contorted, the baby looked, frankly, kind of pissed at the world. Being born in the middle of a battle maybe gave her that right.

She was so small. He knew, even though Elizabeth's stomach had looked enormous on her thin body, that the baby would be little but she was so incredibly small. He could've held her in one arm. Ronon could probably have held her in one hand.

He thought of the Wraith ship he'd watched explode a few hours before and he started to shake.

Atlantis suddenly felt vulnerable on a whole new level.

He straightened up and turned and found Elizabeth watching him. He struggled to plaster a grin over the terror he was feeling. "Hey, mom."

"Hey yourself." Her smile, at least, was genuine. "It's good to see you."

"It's good to be seen," he said back, completing their routine. He took her hand and sat on the bed because his legs felt slightly unsteady. "The timing was impeccable."

"What else is new." Elizabeth was searching his face for something.

"We didn't lose anyone," he assured her, feeling her hand squeeze tightly around his own for a second. "Zelenka doesn't think they sent a message, but we're not 100 percent sure." He gave her a second to process that and there was an unhappy sound from the bassinet.

"Could you...?" Elizabeth waved for him to bring the kid over.

"Um, I've never held a baby before," he confessed.

That got him a raised eyebrow of amusement. "Just slide your arm under her and make sure you support her head."

He lifted the bundle of blankets like they held a dangerous explosive and awkwardly shifted the baby into Elizabeth's arms. She was awake, eyes blinking sleepily up at her mother. It was jarring how right it looked to see Elizabeth holding her daughter like this, the evening after a close battle for survival. The disconnect seemed like it should be worse, but it wasn't. "What'd you name her?"

"Jessie Leigh," she tilted the baby a little, like she was putting her on display. He reached out and touched one tiny fist carefully. The skin was smooth and warm. Jessie closed her fingers around his pinkie reflexively. She had a really strong grip. That didn't surprise him at all. "Jessie means gift."

John thought he understood.

***

 _"Kate?"_

 _"Hi. How are you doing?"_

 _"I'm okay."_


End file.
